Because once in a while
The voices are real.
The stories we tell.
The hurt we feel.
The voices are real.
The stories we tell.
The hurt we feel.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
When the stars start falling down,
And it seems like you're not around...
He will light the sky so bright,
Shining His wisdom ever tonight.
When the birds come singing alone,
He'll give us hope and strength in knowing what is known.
How we get there will be irrelevant,
As long as in each other we find our strength.
There will be the ups and downs,
The times when we'll want to frown.
However let us not forget,
The future awaits and the better it'll get.
Inshallah.
And it seems like you're not around...
He will light the sky so bright,
Shining His wisdom ever tonight.
When the birds come singing alone,
He'll give us hope and strength in knowing what is known.
How we get there will be irrelevant,
As long as in each other we find our strength.
There will be the ups and downs,
The times when we'll want to frown.
However let us not forget,
The future awaits and the better it'll get.
Inshallah.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
Shattered
The home of shatter
Turns black upon arrival
A dark cloud hovers while
Self esteem is at an ultimate low
Suicide walks as the
Pessimism grows.
Depression visits often
Anxiety begins to grow.
The home of ruins
Is not meant for you and me.
Step aside.
Give yourself space to breathe.
The door of help is still open.
But the door of hell is eternity.
Those who latch onto the shattered,
Will become shattered inherently.
Turns black upon arrival
A dark cloud hovers while
Self esteem is at an ultimate low
Suicide walks as the
Pessimism grows.
Depression visits often
Anxiety begins to grow.
The home of ruins
Is not meant for you and me.
Step aside.
Give yourself space to breathe.
The door of help is still open.
But the door of hell is eternity.
Those who latch onto the shattered,
Will become shattered inherently.
The Heart
It takes one to know one
Perhaps that is why
He has placed me in great danger
Placed me in harm.
When I placed complete surrender
And laid myself in His arms
He comforted me dearly
And took out the poison from my heart.
Here you are years later
Feeling this tug of war
Something I removed myself away from
Nearly a decade ago.
At the time I doubted myself
Thought I'd never see a brighter day
But His promise is true
To those who see no other way (than the right path).
Dare I say I was scared and worried.
Scarred and bruised too...
yes people will talk
And you will have the blues
But the Feeling of true freedom
lies with the heart
When the heart crumbles and melts
It gets a new start.
Begin your thoughts in His name
Rather than his...
A new day will come forth
And doubt will go away.
Perhaps that is why
He has placed me in great danger
Placed me in harm.
When I placed complete surrender
And laid myself in His arms
He comforted me dearly
And took out the poison from my heart.
Here you are years later
Feeling this tug of war
Something I removed myself away from
Nearly a decade ago.
At the time I doubted myself
Thought I'd never see a brighter day
But His promise is true
To those who see no other way (than the right path).
Dare I say I was scared and worried.
Scarred and bruised too...
yes people will talk
And you will have the blues
But the Feeling of true freedom
lies with the heart
When the heart crumbles and melts
It gets a new start.
Begin your thoughts in His name
Rather than his...
A new day will come forth
And doubt will go away.
Til Death Do They Part?
Silent are your struggles
Silent are The screams.
When help arrives
You look surprised.
Dazed confused fallen
Your life has taken its course
Or so you think
Pictures of girls dressed in pink...
Flash before your eyes
Again you tell yourself lies
Saying everything will be OK
When nothing is.
You search your mind for answers
And come up blank.
Not a purpose,
Never does he thank (you).
He is your everything.
You are his no one.
He has used and abused you
For his own well-being.
Married as a child,
Those feelings of permanence
They don't leave,
But your heart bleeds.
And now you've made this decision
That til death will you part
Rather than moving on
But do you ever wonder that means you rather be gone...
Silent are The screams.
When help arrives
You look surprised.
Dazed confused fallen
Your life has taken its course
Or so you think
Pictures of girls dressed in pink...
Flash before your eyes
Again you tell yourself lies
Saying everything will be OK
When nothing is.
You search your mind for answers
And come up blank.
Not a purpose,
Never does he thank (you).
He is your everything.
You are his no one.
He has used and abused you
For his own well-being.
Married as a child,
Those feelings of permanence
They don't leave,
But your heart bleeds.
And now you've made this decision
That til death will you part
Rather than moving on
But do you ever wonder that means you rather be gone...
Sunday, April 20, 2014
DTE and me
On a sticky August morning in 2008, I was driving sleepy-eyed to work at Wayne State University. I was newly married and decided not to take summer classes to give myself time to adapt to my new lifestyle. Going to work was my major chore for the day.
On my way I noticed there wasn't a stop sign at a cross-section which seemed bare. After looking both ways, I continued. Bam!
I was hit by a DTE truck. My car spun in 360 degrees. I was speechless and naturally began saying my prayers. This was the end, I thought.
After the car stopped, I got out and approached the other driver. "You hit me," said a 40-year-old or so man. He looked as puzzled as I was. He looked offended. His eyes questioned me. He spoke softly like a father chiding his child, gently but unforgiving.
I told him, "There was no stop sign. I didn't see you."
I called my husband who came with our insurance papers. A Detroit came to investigate the scene.
"My bosses are not going to be happy about this," said the DTE driver. His truck was dented. He pulled his truck to the right to avoid my car hitting him head on, he said. He was in my blind spot (too close for me to see him coming). He saved my life.
Two body-builder guys drove to the scene. They were the bosses. They asked me how I was doing, walked over to the cars and asked if they could snap pictures. Go ahead.
I told my story to the cop and to the bosses -- that I didn't see a stop sign. The cop and I walked over to the corner. The stop sign had been turned 45 degrees, in the wrong direction. It was also covered by long branches from a tree. The cop checked my documents, handed them back and left. He was kind and understanding. The bosses seemed satisfied with my answer and also took off. Only in Detroit.
On my way I noticed there wasn't a stop sign at a cross-section which seemed bare. After looking both ways, I continued. Bam!
I was hit by a DTE truck. My car spun in 360 degrees. I was speechless and naturally began saying my prayers. This was the end, I thought.
After the car stopped, I got out and approached the other driver. "You hit me," said a 40-year-old or so man. He looked as puzzled as I was. He looked offended. His eyes questioned me. He spoke softly like a father chiding his child, gently but unforgiving.
I told him, "There was no stop sign. I didn't see you."
I called my husband who came with our insurance papers. A Detroit came to investigate the scene.
"My bosses are not going to be happy about this," said the DTE driver. His truck was dented. He pulled his truck to the right to avoid my car hitting him head on, he said. He was in my blind spot (too close for me to see him coming). He saved my life.
Two body-builder guys drove to the scene. They were the bosses. They asked me how I was doing, walked over to the cars and asked if they could snap pictures. Go ahead.
I told my story to the cop and to the bosses -- that I didn't see a stop sign. The cop and I walked over to the corner. The stop sign had been turned 45 degrees, in the wrong direction. It was also covered by long branches from a tree. The cop checked my documents, handed them back and left. He was kind and understanding. The bosses seemed satisfied with my answer and also took off. Only in Detroit.
Paternal Uncles
My Uncles - Mom's brothers.
When I was seven years old, I remember being told that my oldest maternal uncle was "a caution sign". It was hard to talk to him or get anything out of him except a grunt. He would always tell us to be quiet. We barley saw him smile and I almost thought he had no sense of humor. Then he got married.
We first met Boro Mami (Uncle's wife) in Bangladesh on our first visit back. Mama was spending the summer there as well. He seemed so much more relaxed and spirited. Her house was fun, we stayed for two days. I chased chickens, saw monkeys up close for the first time and met people who I thought of as family.
Granted I haven't seen my uncle for 10 years, except for a brief greeting at a wedding five years ago. He lives 10 hours away by car, and two and-a-half hours by plane. I miss him. Can't believe I said that.
His conversations are short but they are sweet and love-filled. My family (mom, dad, brothers, sister) are visiting his family right now. Mom hasn't seen him in years either. Hope everyone's enjoying their time together.
*
We called maternal uncle #2 "funny uncle" because he was a joker and would always make us laugh. Compared to #1, he was cool and memorable. After he got married he became the serious type.
He does joke once in a while. I see with my youngest brother. He's great with kids. Seeing him as a father was unreal, but he's awesome. Now he's quite far away. I was able to see him for the past few years but honestly we didn't spend as much time together as we could've.
My cousins are beautiful kids. My aunt, she's chill. We met her family in Bangladesh during a summer vacation which helped me find something more to talk about.
* *
Then #3 was a serious type as well. On the other hand, he was very creative and almost an artist and engineer by nature. He could trace things to be quite exact and fix video cassette players in moments.He has adorable twin sons, who look like my youngest brother.
* * *
Lastly, #4 is a bit of a mix. He's serious and easy-going. At times he would be very goofy and smiles a lot. However at other times, he can't stand any noise and wants things to happen pronto. As a child he used to be my favorite. As I got older we used to fight. And now, well he's the only one I have close by. He's down-to-earth and the one who relates to us best.
When I was seven years old, I remember being told that my oldest maternal uncle was "a caution sign". It was hard to talk to him or get anything out of him except a grunt. He would always tell us to be quiet. We barley saw him smile and I almost thought he had no sense of humor. Then he got married.
We first met Boro Mami (Uncle's wife) in Bangladesh on our first visit back. Mama was spending the summer there as well. He seemed so much more relaxed and spirited. Her house was fun, we stayed for two days. I chased chickens, saw monkeys up close for the first time and met people who I thought of as family.
Granted I haven't seen my uncle for 10 years, except for a brief greeting at a wedding five years ago. He lives 10 hours away by car, and two and-a-half hours by plane. I miss him. Can't believe I said that.
His conversations are short but they are sweet and love-filled. My family (mom, dad, brothers, sister) are visiting his family right now. Mom hasn't seen him in years either. Hope everyone's enjoying their time together.
*
We called maternal uncle #2 "funny uncle" because he was a joker and would always make us laugh. Compared to #1, he was cool and memorable. After he got married he became the serious type.
He does joke once in a while. I see with my youngest brother. He's great with kids. Seeing him as a father was unreal, but he's awesome. Now he's quite far away. I was able to see him for the past few years but honestly we didn't spend as much time together as we could've.
My cousins are beautiful kids. My aunt, she's chill. We met her family in Bangladesh during a summer vacation which helped me find something more to talk about.
* *
Then #3 was a serious type as well. On the other hand, he was very creative and almost an artist and engineer by nature. He could trace things to be quite exact and fix video cassette players in moments.He has adorable twin sons, who look like my youngest brother.
* * *
Lastly, #4 is a bit of a mix. He's serious and easy-going. At times he would be very goofy and smiles a lot. However at other times, he can't stand any noise and wants things to happen pronto. As a child he used to be my favorite. As I got older we used to fight. And now, well he's the only one I have close by. He's down-to-earth and the one who relates to us best.
He make's me who I am: Important men in my life
At 50, he's as energetic as he was when he was 37. Although strict as ever, he is fun and funny. He can make you laugh when he agrees with you. He is patient when it comes to his kids but mighty when it comes to his roles. He doesn't expect a thank you but he is always happy when people are happy with him. He loves to laugh but dislikes when you laugh at him. While I was going to college he was supportive of me. He took me back-and-forth from class to home, quickly reminding me my child comes first and I need to get home as quickly as possible. At the same time, he had his days when he'd take me to his home and urge me to eat something, as I was in his eyes, a busy mother attending school. His affection is his warmth, something you can feel when he walks into a room.
A decade younger, he's my shadow. This young man just turned 17. I still remember the times I jumped for joy when hearing about his potential arrival. He was my prize when he was born, and he is now my mirror. Since a tender age he has been about the truth, and tells it like it is. From dressing right to accompanying his family, he's the quiet young boy who turned into a teen.
He's my opposite. He's the quiet shy guy with a smile. Almost 30, his maturity enables to him to balance the ability to console, guide and direct. Elders come to his doorstep for consultation, while the youth adore his laid-back style. He is neutral minded. His eyes are full of warmth. Dressed in casual clothes, perfection is his middle name. He is cultural, professional and family-oriented.
A decade younger, he's my shadow. This young man just turned 17. I still remember the times I jumped for joy when hearing about his potential arrival. He was my prize when he was born, and he is now my mirror. Since a tender age he has been about the truth, and tells it like it is. From dressing right to accompanying his family, he's the quiet young boy who turned into a teen.
He's my opposite. He's the quiet shy guy with a smile. Almost 30, his maturity enables to him to balance the ability to console, guide and direct. Elders come to his doorstep for consultation, while the youth adore his laid-back style. He is neutral minded. His eyes are full of warmth. Dressed in casual clothes, perfection is his middle name. He is cultural, professional and family-oriented.
New House, Environment And Wisdom From The Past
Seven miles north from Detroit, there is a simple 2-story half white brick house with four rooms. Most of our guests laugh at the place we now call home, noting there are two extra rooms. We bought the house to fit us and share the space with those we care about.
We left behind the arson-ridden homes, the druggies across the street who knocked on our door in the middle of the night, and the people who peeped outside curtains or doors to see who was passing by.
You could smell curry down the street. That's the place I once called home.
Today I wake with my liberty, but knowing at heart who I really am. Who I've become.
Quran Reflection: Teach Children Accountability, Uphold Justice
Hours ago I was
plagued with a question in my mind. How do you find balance between family
members who are just and uphold what is right versus those who are blind to the
reality? How do you 'show them the light?' The answer is clear in Surah Hud,
42-47:
In the beginning of
the story Prophet Nuh is commanded by Allah swt to embark onto an ark he had
built through Allah's command, with the believers. Nuh (as) tells his son to
join him. His son seeks refuge from the rain and flooding by running to the top
of a mountain.
"So
it (the ship) sailed with them amidst the waves like mountains, and Nuh (Noah)
called out to his son, who had separated himself (apart), "O my son!
Embark with us and be not with the disbelievers. The
son replied: "I will betake myself to a mountain, it will save me from the
water." Nuh (Noah) said: "This day there is no savior from the Decree
of Allah except him on whom He has mercy." And a wave came in between
them, so he (the son) was among the drowned. (11:42-43)
Prophet Nuh (as) lost
his son. After days of continuous flooding Allah commanded the waters to stop
pouring from the heavens and from gushing up from the earth. The disbelievers
were destroyed in this flood.
“And
it was said: "O earth! Swallow up your water, and O sky! Withhold (your
rain)." And the water was diminished (made to subside) and the Decree (of
Allah) was fulfilled (i.e. the destruction of the people of Nuh (Noah). And it
(the ship) rested on Mount Judi, and it was said: ‘Away with the people who are
Zalimun (polytheists and wrong-doing)!’ (11:44).”
Prophet
Nuh (as) begged for his son, pleading and questioning why his son was taken
away from him. Nuh said he understood Allah’s judgment is true but he
questioned Him.
“And
Nuh (Noah) called upon his Lord and said, "O my Lord! Verily, my son is of
my family! And certainly, Your Promise is true, and You are the Most Just of
the judges (11:45).”
The
human nature of a woman, mother and person does this to us – we attempt to save
our children by loving them. We think we can solve their problems by showering
them with love. However Allah’s decree is final. Saying that, parents should be
cautious to withhold justice and teach children accountability rather than
letting them off the hook and ‘forgiving them’ time and time again. Tough love.
Allah
explains in Surah Hud: 46:
He
said: "O Nuh (Noah)! Surely, he is not of your family; verily, his work is
unrighteous, so ask not of Me that of which you have no knowledge! I admonish
you, lest you be one of the ignorants.”
Allah also explains although you have a nuclear family or a
blood family, the people who you should consider the believers as your family.
They are the ones who can help you. Allah also warns Prophet Nuh (as) from
becoming ignorant. The Prophets were held to higher standards of belief in
Allah, and were expected to be a spiritual moral leader and warner. A small
mistake on their end was considered big to Allah.
Therefore Prophet Nuh (as)
apologized for his mistake. “Nuh (Noah) said: ‘O
my Lord! I seek refuge with You from asking You that of which I have no
knowledge. And unless You forgive me and have Mercy on me, I would indeed be
one of the losers’ (11:47).”
Sunday, April 14, 2013
She looks at me with eyes so wide
Waiting for me to fill them with happiness
I can't fill them
I look back open-eyed
Wondering what do I even have
To give back
My head spins
My eyes pool up
They swell with the fear I have
An ant too small
To climb the mountain
Fears so deep
We drown in them
The top of the mountain just falls to the side
The world is shaking with these fears...
And we can't find a way to glide on the breeze
We wait instead for peace and ease
Neither can we achieve
By simply being passive
Fall is near
The resurrection ever so clear
Need to learn how to
Reseruct my soul
Waiting for me to fill them with happiness
I can't fill them
I look back open-eyed
Wondering what do I even have
To give back
My head spins
My eyes pool up
They swell with the fear I have
An ant too small
To climb the mountain
Fears so deep
We drown in them
The top of the mountain just falls to the side
The world is shaking with these fears...
And we can't find a way to glide on the breeze
We wait instead for peace and ease
Neither can we achieve
By simply being passive
Fall is near
The resurrection ever so clear
Need to learn how to
Reseruct my soul
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Walking for comfort
I woke up Monday morning and noticed pains, cramping every hour or so. I had a feeling, and a few clues that perhaps I'd be going to the hospital later.
I told my husband as he walked out to go to work, today we may go to the hospital. Just giving you a heads up. He looked uncertain.
The day passed by. I went to look at house (to buy) and spend my next hours in await. I didn't say anything to my mother-in-law, but told my sister-in-law about the "news," my contractions.
According to my OBGYN I was already 3 1/2 cm dilated, 80 percent effaced and baby was sitting low. Baby would be on its way at any moment. So I had been living in fear of my water breaking during the night. And not knowing. Or being at work by myself. My mind was overloaded with paranoia.
At 6 p.m. Monday afternoon, I decided I would go to the hospital even though my contractions were not close enough. I couldn't wait any longer.
I gave my husband dinner, we prayed Isha, the last prayer of the day in Islam, said goodbye to our families and headed to the hospital around 8 p.m.
A month before I had been there...in the same hospital exam room thinking it was time. It wasn't. This time the nurse told me, "You've been here before so you know what to do." Two hours later the doctor said, "You're not quite ready. You have two options. You can walk around the hospital lobby for two hours or go home and come back when you're more comfortable."
I stayed.
I said, "I'm not going to walk around if I go home." I thought to myself, or be more comfortable. I rather not drive back in the middle of the night while baby is coming out.
We grabbed dinner, a subway tuna sandwich, and I started walking.
First I walked in an eerie hallway where there were no people. I couldn't help but think of jinns, spirits. There was the rumbling of machines. Most, if not all, of the doors were locked. A bare nurse station looked like it hadn't been used in months. There were no voices. After a few strolls up and down the hallway, I told my husband we needed a new place to walk.
Downstairs in the main hospital hallway, there was too much traffic. It seemed we were walking past the same people.
Lastly we went to the opposite lobby where the main lights had been turned off. There were a few dim lights. The security guards were no longer sitting at their post. The lobby was empty from visitors or people waiting to inside. The doors were locked from the outside. I could hear a few footsteps off into the distance and an occasional door would open near the women's bathroom. It was the perfect spot.
One side of the lobby was icy cold, the other warm. I circulated from one side to the other. My legs grew tired and slowly were getting "numb."
Toward the end of the 2 1/2 hour walk, I took 5-minute breaks sitting. And then walked some more. My husband couldn't keep his eyes open. He fiddled with his phone to keep himself up. I insisted he take a nap, to save up energy of what could await us later.
Delivery.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Security guards
Two weeks ago I walked into the hospital to deliver my second child.
The security guard asked where I was going? Another guard stood close by.
Me: "Labor and delivery"
Guard: "To deliver?"
Me: "Yes."
Guard: "Are you pregnant?"
Me: "Yes"
Other guard: "How many months?"
Me: "9"
Guard: "Ok. Good luck."
Thanks to puffy jackets and big hijabs :)
The security guard asked where I was going? Another guard stood close by.
Me: "Labor and delivery"
Guard: "To deliver?"
Me: "Yes."
Guard: "Are you pregnant?"
Me: "Yes"
Other guard: "How many months?"
Me: "9"
Guard: "Ok. Good luck."
Thanks to puffy jackets and big hijabs :)
If I had not understood the deeper meaning of life
I would've stopped being the person I am and gave up as a wife
There are moments every couple goes through
Tough times rough times and a few...
Ups and downs are normal
Circumstances are formal.
The beauty of faith is it heals the wounds
Love grows for Him even when we have the blues :)
I would've stopped being the person I am and gave up as a wife
There are moments every couple goes through
Tough times rough times and a few...
Ups and downs are normal
Circumstances are formal.
The beauty of faith is it heals the wounds
Love grows for Him even when we have the blues :)
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Big bro's lullaby
"Go to sleep baby.
It's time to take a nap.
We can't play anymore.
The sun's not out.
The moon is out all day long.
We'll play together Inshallah."
-Toddler's lullaby to infant
12-10-12/ 12-11-12
Another version:
"Go to sleep baby, it's nap time.
The suns not out anymore.
We will play together..."
It's time to take a nap.
We can't play anymore.
The sun's not out.
The moon is out all day long.
We'll play together Inshallah."
-Toddler's lullaby to infant
12-10-12/ 12-11-12
Another version:
"Go to sleep baby, it's nap time.
The suns not out anymore.
We will play together..."
Saturday, October 27, 2012
People realize the faults of others,
They are not willing to forgive.
Yet we try to overlook and we cannot because
We see the faults of them.
When I want to say something
I realize even I am a benefactor of this
Shameless lawless rule
What to do? What to do?
Days when I push myself,
There will be three items for dinner.
When I come home from work...
Four dishes anew.
When people learn to step on other's toes
And the elders turn their heads away,
There are angels writing each word, each sight
While we are all left wondering what's next?
They are not willing to forgive.
Yet we try to overlook and we cannot because
We see the faults of them.
When I want to say something
I realize even I am a benefactor of this
Shameless lawless rule
What to do? What to do?
Days when I push myself,
There will be three items for dinner.
When I come home from work...
Four dishes anew.
When people learn to step on other's toes
And the elders turn their heads away,
There are angels writing each word, each sight
While we are all left wondering what's next?
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Dreams don't matter?
You go to people with your dreams
And your dreams don't matter
You go to God with your dreams
And they surely won't shatter
He'll give you what you want
He'll give you want you love
But at the end is that all that matters?
For dreams to come true and not shatter?
Dreams are a way for people to express their hopes
Live in reality and hopes become a fantasy
Reach out to those you love before it's too late
One moment at a time, the clock ticks away
What is important... only you know it
What is irrelevant... only your tears show it
And your dreams don't matter
You go to God with your dreams
And they surely won't shatter
He'll give you what you want
He'll give you want you love
But at the end is that all that matters?
For dreams to come true and not shatter?
Dreams are a way for people to express their hopes
Live in reality and hopes become a fantasy
Reach out to those you love before it's too late
One moment at a time, the clock ticks away
What is important... only you know it
What is irrelevant... only your tears show it
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Grandma
My father says his mother was a wise calm person. She educated her daughters at a time when women were looked down upon for going to school, and learning as much (or less) than men.
Older family members say my cousin Amina and I look like my paternal grandmother. People say I am a mix of my grandmother and my mother. I wonder what she looked like.
I wonder if she was around what advice she would give me. She lived her life taking care of seven children, and dying shortly after giving birth to number eight.
If I got anything from her it was her ability to understand different people, and her calmness in chaotic situations. She was a gentle easy-going person. I think I'm more sensitive and temperamental (probably from another family member).
I wish I could find my inner calm more often. I wish I was more like my grandmother in that way.
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