Friends or Family?

Growing up in a family which showed tough love, I often thought of my friends as my escape, my responsibility and the closest thing to my family.

We have aunts and uncles but it seemed so different then, when we were teenagers and we were lost with words when it came to relatives.

The conversations went like this:

Assalam Walaikum ___________.
How are you? Good.
How's school going? Good.
(long pause and boredness)
Eat eat. Come eat.
(another long silence)
Okay, goodnight. Come over.
The End.

Thanks to my understanding patient parents, I enjoyed the company of my friends. I went where I wanted, many times with my parents dropping us off to make sure we didn't wander off. Other times as I got older and "knew better" I was able to let them know where I was going and spend time with my girls.

Now it's different.

I never understood the meaning of family until I got married.

I was telling my husband yesterday, "You know the things I don't get, now I get them thanks to you...you know the family cultural expectations and formalities. I'm not that smart when it comes to that stuff, but you are. That's why my parents got me married to you."

He politely and modestly declined the compliment - but it's true.

I remember debating how my father and I would settle on one guy. God showed it was possible in the form of a man man who was raised here but still carried on his cultural roots and maintained a professional American life.

His family also puts a huge importance on family.

The opposite was true for me. I didn't expect or see my family every week. We made family get-to-gethers occasional and special. My siblings and I would debate if we wanted to go to relatives houses' depending on the duration of the visit. Sometimes we had legitimate reasons, other times we just didn't know how to fill the silence.

Alhamdulillah as I grew older and slowly understood the importance of family and realized the value family relations are given in the Quran, I put in more effort.

"Blood relations are closer to one another in the Book of Allah. Allah has knowledge of all things. (8:75)"

Even though it was often hard to talk to some family members, fearing God I would try to break the silence.

"You who believe! Be upholders of justice, bearing witness for Allah alone, even against yourselves or your parents and relatives. Whether they are rich or poor, Allah is well able to look after them. Do not follow your own desires and deviate from the truth. If you twist or turn away, Allah is aware of what you do. (4:135)"

God says those who break ties with their families are cursed.

"But if you held command, you were sure to make mischief in the land and cut off the ties of kinship. Those it is whom Allah has cursed, so He has made them deaf and blinded their eyes. (Surah Muhammad 22-23)"

Similarly Prophet Muhammad (sws) said the 2nd worst deeds one can do is server ties with family.

A man approached the Holy Prophet (S) and enquired, “What is the worst deed in the eyes of Allah?”
The Holy Prophet (S) replied,
“To attribute partners to Allah.”
The man then asked, “After this which is the worst sin?”
The Holy Prophet (S) said:
“To sever relations”.
After this the same person asked, “After this which is the worst sin?”
The Holy Prophet (S) replied:
“To enjoin the evil and to forbid the good (deeds).”
(al-Kāfi)

On the other hand, I miss my friends.

I spend about 5 percent of my time with friends. I go to get-togethers once in a while, simultaneously worrying about the family I'm leaving behind at home.

As my friend Ruma often says, "You'll get used to it," when I tell her about new experiences.

Alhamdulillah, I'm so grateful for my friends and family.

"The friends shall on that day (of judgment) be enemies of each other except those who guard against evil.(Zukhruf:67)"

What is gaurding evil? Friends and family who are God-fearing:

"The men and women from among the believers are friends of each other. They call the people towards goodness and piety and abstain from evil and transgression. They uphold the prayer, pay the poor-rate (zakaat) and obey Allah and His Prophet (s.a.w.s.). Indeed, these are the ones for whom Allah shall soon manifest His mercy and grace. Verily Allah is all-powerful, and the most wise.(Al Imran:71)"

We will be raised with those whom we love. It's not about chosing between friends or family. We need both. Therefore let us be the best to them and let them be the best to us, Inshallah.

(Picture from countryclipart.com)